


Artemistakes were Made

by ChipAndDealer



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Artemis/Percy Parody, Because I absolutely cannot understand it, Gen, Humor, One Shot, Percy's trying so hard you guys, What can I even say about this?, the gods are assholes, this was a nightmare to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:02:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26427559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChipAndDealer/pseuds/ChipAndDealer
Summary: Percy fights his ADD, fear of death, and a bit of nausea as he tries to find a way to word, 'I'm not going to have sex with a twelve year old,' without getting brutally murdered by godly wrath.OrWhy I can never take Artemis/Percy ships seriously.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 67





	Artemistakes were Made

Percy always had trouble talking to gods. It seems like something he'd get over, eventually, having more opportunities to do it than most, but there was something about the forced politeness coupled with some lingering resentment for all the pain they'd put him and the people he loved through that made it tough to find the right words to say. Oftentimes, his ADHD made it nearly impossible, but luckily his friends were usually there to provide some kind of focus point.

Then there were the times his friends weren't there.

"How do I say this politely?" Percy squeaked, wishing harder than he'd ever wished before that Annabeth, or his father, or literally anyone else was there to help him. If Gabe had somehow become unpetrified and was standing in front of him yelling at Percy to grab him a beer, he would have preferred it over being alone with her.

Because when it came down to it, there wasn't a way to say it politely; well, maybe there was, but no way he could think to. Annabeth would know what to say. Annabeth was good at talking to people, and she'd probably turned down a bunch of guys in her life. But there was no way Percy could respond with, 'let me get Annabeth,' because he would definitely get an arrow in the back for that.

See, that was the problem with talking to gods. They had the unfortunate combination of incredibly powerful and exceedingly sensitive, it tended to make them... trigger happy when it came to mortals. Percy wasn't technically a mortal, but he didn't think that would spare him in this particular circumstance.

"What's the matter, Percy?" Artemis cooed, rolling over onto her side. "Don't like what you see?"

Percy saw nothing, or he was endeavoring not to, anyway. The only thing that made him guess she had rolled over onto her side was the frush of leaves that she had been laying upon when he walked in. He already knew not looking at a god who was talking to him was a bad idea, and obviously deliberately not keeping an eye on the literal goddess of hunters was bound to end poorly, but he really didn't have much of a choice on that front.

Because while she may have been a god of many millennia and not bound to mortal concepts like age and time, the reality was, she looked like she was twelve years old. So, after she asked him to a private discussion in a secluded part of Olympus before declaring her love for him and tearing away any semblance of clothing or covering, Percy fought his ADD, fear of death, and a bit of nausea as he tried to find a way to word, 'I'm not going to have sex with a twelve year old,' without getting brutally murdered by godly wrath.

Mentioning that he had a girlfriend was also out. He might not have been as well versed on Greek myths as some of the other demigods, but he knew gods got jealous real easy, and he wouldn't let Annabeth get turned into a deer or whatever it is Artemis did because he couldn't figure out what to say.

"I..." he hesitated, "thank thee, for thy confession."

"Why are you talking like that?" She asked, tone decidedly unimpressed.

"Your confession is noted. I have noted it down," Percy tried to continue, sweat seeming to pour off of him in waves. Maybe if he kept sweating, Poseidon would come down to see who was creating a new salt water ocean, but it was a dim hope. "You can consider," he waved a hand gesturing somewhere vaguely in her direction, "all of this, as 'message received.' Yep, I got it. Now I know."

There was still no way he was going to look at her, but he got the distinct impression she had raised an annoyed eyebrow. "And?" She asked. Yup. Definitely annoyed.

"And... well, you know, it's a lot to take in," he hedged. "I mean, I'm just a demigod, you're, like, a full god-goddess," he corrected himself. "So there's definitely a power imbalance going on there."

She laughed, a high-pitched, twelve year old kind of laugh with that concerning booming powerful god undertone he always found deeply unpleasant. "Why, Percy, you're not 'just' a demigod. You may have turned down my father's offer to make you a full god, but you've already eclipsed many in terms of power," she sucked in a breath through her teeth, "and bravery, and selflessness. No, Percy I choose you. You are the only man I could ever acknowledge as my equal."

"Aww, no." He tried not to grimace. "Don't... say that. I'm sure there are gonna be tons of men you'll like just as much-more even-than me. You know, I'm just the first guy, not the only guy."

"Would you be my first guy?" She purred, the action violently upsetting coming from a twelve year old's voice.

"That was bad phrasing," he acknowledged. "I can see I made a mistake with that phrasing."

"Don't be coy, Percy." She ruffled the leaves surrounding her. "Why don't you come sit beside me?"

"You know, there's probably a prophecy," he decided, backing up slower than a snail crawling down a maple syrup glacier. "Usually there's a prophecy about important stuff like titans returning, or gods dying, or the literal symbol of untouched virginity being... not that. I should really go talk to Rachel, she'll say the prophecy, you'll find out it's not me you're looking for, and we'll all have a good laugh about this whole thing."

"What." The trees around them shook with the terseness of the word.

Percy had begun panicking long ago, this was more a nudge into a higher gear. "It's nothing personal. You've been a big help with everything, and not wanting to kill me a few years back? Big props. But you've got your whole Hunters of Artemis thing, wouldn't you prefer one of them? Women, right? You like women way more than men. So even if I'm the only man you like, you've still got loads of options."

"You want me to seduce one of my Hunters?" She said, disgusted. "That'd be like bedding a family member."

Percy scratched the back of his neck. "See, I didn't want to bring it up, but with Zeus being your dad and Poseidon being my dad, that does make us cousins, so I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of it."

"You find me disgusting?" She thundered, the trees twisting like some invisible hurricane was seconds away from tearing them out of the ground.

"What? Disgusting? Find you disgusting? No. That's... I never said that. I think you're great, totally cool. I just don't think I'm ready for that kind of relationship step. You know... with you." Percy tried casually slipping his hand into his pocket to get Riptide.

"You would raise your weapon against me?" She roared. Okay, so he failed at acting casual. "Do you know what happens to mortals who defy me?"

"You really should have seen me defying you coming," he protested, extending Riptide in front of him. "Defying gods is pretty much what I do." With the amount of noise they were making, it was impossible no one on Olympus had heard by then. Someone would show up, they'd calm Artemis down, then Percy would go home and drown himself in bleach and hot water until he felt clean again. Everybody wins.

Artemis was foaming at the mouth, her teeth snapping together like a feral beast's. "I'm going to rend the flesh from your bones, son of Poseidon. I'm going to roast you over the Eternal Flame and use your tendons for my bowstring." He winced at every new threat, but stood tall nonetheless. "I'm going to tear your teeth from your mouth to decorate my garden."

Percy furrowed his eyebrows. "What?"

"I'm going to carve poetry into your tonsils until your blood flows in verse. I'm going to use your kidneys as... buttons? What would I use your kidneys for?"

Percy glared at the no longer raging form of the hunter goddess. "You're not actually Artemis, are you?"

With a flicker of sunlight, Apollo's grinning face stared back at him. "Had you going there."

Percy clicked Riptide back to pen form, folding his arms. "You're an asshole."

Apollo raised his arms in false bluster. "Watch what you say, mortal, or face the wrath of Apollo, god of the sun."

Percy was already walking away, rolling his eyes and muttering darkly about how maybe Luke's 'kill all the gods' plan wasn't so bad, after all.

"Peeeerrrcccyyy," the annoying, so incredibly annoying, sun god whined. "Come back. I was gonna confess as Hestia next."

"It's three PM on a Saturday," Percy snapped. "Don't you have somewhere else to be?"

"Our love is more important," Apollo shouted, as Percy moved quickly away. Even from that distance, he could see the blinding white of the sun god's grin. "Say hi to my sister for me."

Percy reached for Riptide again before taking a deep breath and letting it go. "You can't kill him, Perce," he muttered to himself, forcing his legs to keep walking away from the irritating god. "You've still got Annabeth, and your mom, and all your cool friends that would definitely help you hide the body, but wouldn't get to visit you in whatever messed up prison Olympus has. Besides, Annabeth probably designed that prison, so there's no way you're gonna be able to break out. Just keep walking."

"Are you still gonna talk to Rachel about that prophecy?" Apollo called, his voice carrying an unreasonable distance.

Percy gritted his teeth. "Just. Keep. Walking."

Percy always had trouble talking to gods. He could blame it on fear, or lack of attention, or his general mistrust of authority, but that wouldn't be totally fair. Mostly he would have trouble talking to gods because he really, deeply, hated them.

"Does this mean you're not gonna be my first guy?" Apollo shouted some more.

He hated them so, so, much.


End file.
